"I Like My Coffee Like My Women..."
December 17th 2006 04:35
You may be familiar with this scene from a movie.
Dashing, debonair hero lounges around in a café. Waitress comes over and asks him, “How would you like your coffee, sir?” With a cool, suave glance, he turns to her and says, “I like my coffee like my women…” Cue witty punchline. In real-life, however, this line does not function quite as well. I recently decided to try it in a Gloria Jean’s coffeehouse. I stood in front of the counter gawking at the wide variety of beverages they offered, looking very much like the idiot I am, until the barista came up to me and asked, “Can I help you with anything, sir?” Show time. “I like my coffee like my women,” I said soto voce. “Excuse me, sir?”, he asked with a puzzled look. “Oh, um, I’ll have a medium mocha latte, thanks,” I stammered. Yep, very debonair. In hindsight, I realized what happened was actually a good thing, since I did not have a punchline ready. If he had heard me and asked “And how do you like your women, sir?”, I would have probably answered him with “Er… um, sipped from a Styrofoam cup. Ehehehe.” After that incident, I decided to come up with punchlines for the aforementioned statement. I came up with several decent ones and realized that these can be categorized into various types of men who are most likely to use these. Here, now, are various ways on how to effectively conclude “I like my coffee like my women…”
FOR THE CASANOVA:
“…dark as night, sweet as sin.”
“…strong, robust, and full-bodied.”
“…smoking hot.”
“…tempting and steamy.”
FOR THE CHAUVINISTIC PIG:
“…it must easily come off clothes.”
“…with a cherry.” *wink wink*
“…on my lap, then in my pants.”
“…it must keep me up all night.”
“…with a lot of brandy – to make it less boring.”
“…dehydrating.” Insert “bodily fluids” joke here.
“…with a spoon.” *wink wink*
“…creamy brown and low in fat.”
“…free.”
FOR THE CAPPUCCINO AFICIONADO:
“…short and Italian.”
“…frothing at the mouth.”
“…with lots of milk.”
FOR THE STARBUCKS CONSUMER (God have mercy on your commercialized yuppie soul):
“…expensive and pretentious.”
“…with my name on it.”
“…covered in whipped cream.”
FOR THE GAY TEA-SIPPER:
“…I don’t.”
“…away from my cup.”
FOR THE JADED SMART-ASS:
“…cold and bitter.”
“…cheap and tasteless.”
“…tepid and bland.”
“…weak and timid.”
“…caffeine-free.”
FOR THE BRAIN-DEAD DUMB-ASS:
“…through a straw.”
“…desiccated and granulated.”
“…with donuts.”
“…poured from a pot.”
“…shaken, not stirred. No, wait… stirred, not shaken. Hmmm, that doesn’t sound right…”
“…freshly brewed.”
“…in a mug, please.”
As you may have noticed, the sexist remarks are the most numerous. That’s not really surprising since even the beginning of the statement (“I like my coffee like MY women…”) is not exactly music to the ears of feminists. That, however, was not the point of my exercise. I just wanted to show that droll statements can be achieved by comparing people to caffeinated drinks.
*Image is used for review and commentary purposes only. Coffee image from Wikipedia.
FOR THE CASANOVA:
“…strong, robust, and full-bodied.”
“…smoking hot.”
“…tempting and steamy.”
FOR THE CHAUVINISTIC PIG:
“…it must easily come off clothes.”
“…with a cherry.” *wink wink*
“…on my lap, then in my pants.”
“…it must keep me up all night.”
“…with a lot of brandy – to make it less boring.”
“…dehydrating.” Insert “bodily fluids” joke here.
“…with a spoon.” *wink wink*
“…creamy brown and low in fat.”
“…free.”
FOR THE CAPPUCCINO AFICIONADO:
“…short and Italian.”
“…frothing at the mouth.”
“…with lots of milk.”
FOR THE STARBUCKS CONSUMER (God have mercy on your commercialized yuppie soul):
“…expensive and pretentious.”
“…with my name on it.”
“…covered in whipped cream.”
FOR THE GAY TEA-SIPPER:
“…I don’t.”
“…away from my cup.”
FOR THE JADED SMART-ASS:
“…cold and bitter.”
“…cheap and tasteless.”
“…tepid and bland.”
“…weak and timid.”
“…caffeine-free.”
FOR THE BRAIN-DEAD DUMB-ASS:
“…through a straw.”
“…desiccated and granulated.”
“…with donuts.”
“…poured from a pot.”
“…shaken, not stirred. No, wait… stirred, not shaken. Hmmm, that doesn’t sound right…”
“…freshly brewed.”
“…in a mug, please.”
As you may have noticed, the sexist remarks are the most numerous. That’s not really surprising since even the beginning of the statement (“I like my coffee like MY women…”) is not exactly music to the ears of feminists. That, however, was not the point of my exercise. I just wanted to show that droll statements can be achieved by comparing people to caffeinated drinks.
*Image is used for review and commentary purposes only. Coffee image from Wikipedia.
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