A Chivalry Dilemma
October 20th 2006 05:32
Here’s the scenario. I’m sitting in a train, and a group of passengers gets aboard. There are no more empty seats, so they just stand and hold on to the handrails. They’re mostly guys in their 20’s or 30’s and a few schoolboys, but one of their number is a lady who looked like she just came from work. I grew up in a country where it was customary, if you’re a guy, to give up your seat to a lady regardless of her age, physical condition, or baby bump size. Here in Australia, I’ve learned that things are done a bit differently. So now, I was faced with a dilemma. If I give up my seat for her, I might be viewed as a condescending, non-progressive-thinking relic from the Middle Ages. If I don’t give up my seat for her, I’m going to feel like a weasel.
Fortunately, I was saved from my predicament because, with all the time I spent trying to resolve my inner conflict, I realized that the next station was my stop, so I left the train feeling guilt-free. However, that got me thinking, what if it happens again some other time? Do I follow my instinct and risk humiliation or do I conform to the mores of the society I currently live in? I have finally come up with a solution. I don’t sit down in public transport unless the train is really empty and there is no chance of it filling up during the duration of my trip. Yup, I Am Weasel.
So here’s a question I want to ask (especially the ladies): if I give up my seat for a non-handicapped, non-pregnant, non-elderly lady, is that considered chivalry or am I stepping on the ideals of feminism? Because to tell you the truth, my feet are killing me from all that standing.
*Image is used for review and commentary purposes only. Image from timberwolf.org.
So here’s a question I want to ask (especially the ladies): if I give up my seat for a non-handicapped, non-pregnant, non-elderly lady, is that considered chivalry or am I stepping on the ideals of feminism? Because to tell you the truth, my feet are killing me from all that standing.
*Image is used for review and commentary purposes only. Image from timberwolf.org.
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Comment by Deorre
Stress Alive
Man Lessons
Comment by Ragin Cajun
Observer's Post
Death By Myopia
Comment by Stanley
however, the question that begs to be asked is this: was this female how you say, attractive?
Comment by Ragin Cajun
Observer's Post
Death By Myopia
Comment by MelissaA
Fun Facts
Now MIL is a very "don't even think about considering me to be old" type of woman, and will VERY easily take offence at anything you might say that could possibly be remotely linked to implying this. Trust me - I of all people should know after she threatened to kick me out of my own house one night for explaining to my kids that the steam trains on the Zig Zag railway (where we had just been) were quite old - as old as their grandfather (her husband - and he's 2.5 years older than she is).
Anyway, I digress. We had all packed onto a fully laden peak hour train where the only seat available was the tiny little single hidden in the corner that some few carriages have. We threw the kids in there together where they faced a man and a lady - unknown to each other - and both around their late 20's/early 30's.
The lady offerred to give up her seat for my MIL. MIL thanked her nicely and said she was fine, which she was until someone else on another seat got off the train in which case she jumped into it.
MIL seemed to be quite pleased about having offerred the seat even though she didn't take it.
I just remember thinking that isn't it typical that we women will even think of these things and either act on them or worry about them later as you are doing right now ragin Cajun, whereas the guy sitting next to her on the train never even looked up from his paper once.
Personally, I go with gut instinct at the time as to who to offer a seat to or not, but I will say, this isn't the first time I've seen a woman offer her seat up, but when it comes to the men, rarely have I seen it happen.....and yet aren't they supposedly the 'physically strong and able to handle it' ones?
Comment by Ragin Cajun
Observer's Post
Death By Myopia
I read an article once where a guy held open the door for someone who was behind him. He didn't even know if it was a male or female, so I guess he wasn't trying to impress anyone. He was just being polite. Anyway, the person behind him turned out to be a woman and as she passed, she told him, "I bet that gives you a sense of power." Another instance of this (this actually happened to me) was when I once held open the door for the person behind me, because I heard him/her dragging along some large luggage. I figured he/she probably had his/her hands full. Well, the person was a she, and she told me with a withering glance as she passed by, "Thanks, but I can do it myself. I'm a big girl." Excuse me, I was just trying to help. Geez. So generally speaking, are these just isolated incidents?
Comment by MelissaA
Fun Facts
Depending on the situation, I always help people out where I can, and most of the time they thank me for it, as I do when some stranger helps me out.
I remember when ( now you've got me reminiscing... )in my early 20's (and quite attractive then if I do say so myself as opposed to now ; ) ), I've had the misfortune to break down at the side of a reasonably busy road and not have one guy of any age stop to help.
However after half an hour of being stuck there with no other transport nearby, a middle aged lady stopped to help. Even though she didn't know anything about cars either, I was grateful that somebody had taken the time out to even acknowledge that I was having a problem.
The lady wondered herself where all the young men were and said mentioned that she herself had one - back home, asleep in bed. So you know what she did?
She went home, woke him up and dragged him out to help me, which was beyond kindness I thought. Even after we got the car going again ( turned out my transmission was ruined) he followed me home to make sure I got there OK.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe you can console yourself with the fact that these people who are snippy and rude when you offer them what should be a common courtesy, when they eventually get stuck by the side of the road, literally or metaphorically, I guess they can "handle it themselves" and if they don't, well then that's just tough for them!
And if they should, Heaven forbid, have to rely on somebody else to help them out of their veritable quagmire, then hopefully a lesson will be learnt about the genuine kindness of strangers. (Personally though, I think they should just be bitten in the butt. ; ) )
Comment by KarenC
Genghis Gal
I have to admit to being a bit of a feminist, but I would never be offended by or rude to somebody who offered me a seat on public transport. This doesn't mean I would accept the offer, though. That would depend on whether I was tired, my feet were sore etc. However, I would most definitely thank you for your offer and would probably leave the train thinking, what a nice guy. If somebody can't refuse an offer given graciously in a gracious manner, then it is really their problem.
As the others have said, if you want to offer somebody a seat ... just do it. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your culture or your kindness by worrying about the reaction of others.
Plus, there's a lot of good things to be said about the Middle Ages. They rock.
Comment by Ragin Cajun
Observer's Post
Death By Myopia
Hey, Melissa. Loved your anecdote. Regarding the lady who helped you out, I guess it's obvious who wears the pants in the relationship she's in. *lol* At least the guy was decent enough to lend his assistance despite being dragged out of bed.
Ah, so you believe in karma? I guess what you said makes sense, though. If they can't deal with common courtesy, that's their loss. Hmmm, that's given me something to think about.
Hi, Karen. Ah, finally, a feminist viewpoint. So it's not actually in conflict with your ideals? I haven't seen it that way before. Another idea I need to mull over.
Comment by Joanna
Comment by MelissaA
Fun Facts
That's why she was able to wear the 'pants'.
Comment by Ragin Cajun
Observer's Post
Death By Myopia
Melissa, no wonder she was able to drag him out of bed. Still, it was pretty nice of them, though. If someone interrupted my beauty sleep, I'd probably be cranky as hell.