"I Like My Coffee Like My Women..."
December 17th 2006 04:35
You may be familiar with this scene from a movie.
Dashing, debonair hero lounges around in a café. Waitress comes over and asks him, “How would you like your coffee, sir?” With a cool, suave glance, he turns to her and says, “I like my coffee like my women…” Cue witty punchline. In real-life, however, this line does not function quite as well. I recently decided to try it in a Gloria Jean’s coffeehouse. I stood in front of the counter gawking at the wide variety of beverages they offered, looking very much like the idiot I am, until the barista came up to me and asked, “Can I help you with anything, sir?” Show time. “I like my coffee like my women,” I said soto voce. “Excuse me, sir?”, he asked with a puzzled look. “Oh, um, I’ll have a medium mocha latte, thanks,” I stammered. Yep, very debonair. In hindsight, I realized what happened was actually a good thing, since I did not have a punchline ready. If he had heard me and asked “And how do you like your women, sir?”, I would have probably answered him with “Er… um, sipped from a Styrofoam cup. Ehehehe.” After that incident, I decided to come up with punchlines for the aforementioned statement. I came up with several decent ones and realized that these can be categorized into various types of men who are most likely to use these. Here, now, are various ways on how to effectively conclude “I like my coffee like my women…”
FOR THE CASANOVA:
“…dark as night, sweet as sin.”
“…strong, robust, and full-bodied.”
“…smoking hot.”
“…tempting and steamy.”
FOR THE CHAUVINISTIC PIG:
“…it must easily come off clothes.”
“…with a cherry.” *wink wink*
“…on my lap, then in my pants.”
“…it must keep me up all night.”
“…with a lot of brandy – to make it less boring.”
“…dehydrating.” Insert “bodily fluids” joke here.
“…with a spoon.” *wink wink*
“…creamy brown and low in fat.”
“…free.”
FOR THE CAPPUCCINO AFICIONADO:
“…short and Italian.”
“…frothing at the mouth.”
“…with lots of milk.”
FOR THE STARBUCKS CONSUMER (God have mercy on your commercialized yuppie soul):
“…expensive and pretentious.”
“…with my name on it.”
“…covered in whipped cream.”
FOR THE GAY TEA-SIPPER:
“…I don’t.”
“…away from my cup.”
FOR THE JADED SMART-ASS:
“…cold and bitter.”
“…cheap and tasteless.”
“…tepid and bland.”
“…weak and timid.”
“…caffeine-free.”
FOR THE BRAIN-DEAD DUMB-ASS:
“…through a straw.”
“…desiccated and granulated.”
“…with donuts.”
“…poured from a pot.”
“…shaken, not stirred. No, wait… stirred, not shaken. Hmmm, that doesn’t sound right…”
“…freshly brewed.”
“…in a mug, please.”
As you may have noticed, the sexist remarks are the most numerous. That’s not really surprising since even the beginning of the statement (“I like my coffee like MY women…”) is not exactly music to the ears of feminists. That, however, was not the point of my exercise. I just wanted to show that droll statements can be achieved by comparing people to caffeinated drinks.
*Image is used for review and commentary purposes only. Coffee image from Wikipedia.
FOR THE CASANOVA:
“…strong, robust, and full-bodied.”
“…smoking hot.”
“…tempting and steamy.”
FOR THE CHAUVINISTIC PIG:
“…it must easily come off clothes.”
“…with a cherry.” *wink wink*
“…on my lap, then in my pants.”
“…it must keep me up all night.”
“…with a lot of brandy – to make it less boring.”
“…dehydrating.” Insert “bodily fluids” joke here.
“…with a spoon.” *wink wink*
“…creamy brown and low in fat.”
“…free.”
FOR THE CAPPUCCINO AFICIONADO:
“…short and Italian.”
“…frothing at the mouth.”
“…with lots of milk.”
FOR THE STARBUCKS CONSUMER (God have mercy on your commercialized yuppie soul):
“…expensive and pretentious.”
“…with my name on it.”
“…covered in whipped cream.”
FOR THE GAY TEA-SIPPER:
“…I don’t.”
“…away from my cup.”
FOR THE JADED SMART-ASS:
“…cold and bitter.”
“…cheap and tasteless.”
“…tepid and bland.”
“…weak and timid.”
“…caffeine-free.”
FOR THE BRAIN-DEAD DUMB-ASS:
“…through a straw.”
“…desiccated and granulated.”
“…with donuts.”
“…poured from a pot.”
“…shaken, not stirred. No, wait… stirred, not shaken. Hmmm, that doesn’t sound right…”
“…freshly brewed.”
“…in a mug, please.”
As you may have noticed, the sexist remarks are the most numerous. That’s not really surprising since even the beginning of the statement (“I like my coffee like MY women…”) is not exactly music to the ears of feminists. That, however, was not the point of my exercise. I just wanted to show that droll statements can be achieved by comparing people to caffeinated drinks.
*Image is used for review and commentary purposes only. Coffee image from Wikipedia.
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Comment by David my David
You give me so much pleasure by posting your posts ...
I don't comment much because I don't have the time ... I'm too sexually depraved ...
But every time I read one of your posts, I just go 'Brilliant' This guy is sublime ...
I'm not gay by the way ... I'm just giving credit where it's due ...
You are a fucking brilliant writer ... Brilliant. I love reading what you post ...
Please keep posting.
Please.
I need a hobby ... My sexual depravity is my occupation ... I can send you a police fine I received recently ... In the 'What is your occupation' slot it has Sexual Deviant.
I just want a relaxing hobby like reading brilliant posts ... like yours ... even in jail ...
Keep posting ... I'll read them all. Every now and again, I'll comment, but my depravity keeps me so occupied and so busy ... It's HARD....
Please don't try to find out what prison I am in ... I have all the men I need in my life at the moment ...
Oh, and by the way ... I am not gay. Yet.
Comment by David my David
But you keep posting like you do ... and who knows?
Only God, and He's not telling us?
I am so joking Ragin ... So joking ... Man, I reckon you'll get it ... and you might even guess who I really am ....
Comment by Cibbuano
20/20 Filmsight
Science News
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
And work on your Connery-esque one-eyebrow raise. That's the important thing, as I learned from Trainspotting.
Comment by Ragin Cajun
Observer's Post
Death By Myopia
Thanks, Cib. Yeah, I'll probably try it on a female barista next time. At least I have the catch phrases ready. I don't think I could pull off the Connery eyebrow-raise, though. I'm not sophisticated or Scottish enough.
Comment by Lilla
Enviro Warrior
An Extra Ordinary Life
Dream Herald
I loved this post, finally... have missed your wit.
I have to drink mine caf-fiend free now, because I can't handle caffine medically, does that make me a jaded smart-ass? - *l-ing ol* you know it probably does... [you know...dis-ease ] ha ha - have to stick to alcohol now instead ... but, when I could handle it, my favourite response used to be ..
"...like my men, hot and strong"
With or without sugar?
"none thanks... I'm sweet enough" Yeah I know, an oldie, but a goodie...perhaps one to add to your list for the lady Barista's list?
Great post! Keep 'em coming...
caio,
Lilla..
Comment by Ragin Cajun
Observer's Post
Death By Myopia
Man, it's been a long time since I've been here. Hmmm, can't handle your caffeine? I guess you are a jaded smart-ass. Hahaha! I kid, I kid. For your case, I think a proper response is "...bold and Irish." I love the "...hot and strong" response, though.
Haha, that's a good quip about the sugar. I oughta try that sometime. Then follow it up with "Want to taste me?". That should be an interesting experience.