Elephants Rock, Humans Suck! Elephants Rule, Humans Drool!
September 27th 2006 06:02
Recently, I decided to watch a nature documentary in honor of Steve Irwin. Unfortunately, the local library didn’t have any DVDs about crocodiles so, instead, I borrowed one about the crocs’ nearest relatives – elephants. OK, fine, the videos about dinosaurs were unavailable as well, but I figured “Hmmm, crocs are related to dinosaurs. Dinosaurs were prehistoric animals. So were woolly mammoths. Mammoths are related to elephants. Ta-dah!” Anyway, it was very enlightening for me. I’ve always thought of elephants as just huge cattle with big-ass ears and a big-ass nose. Discovery Channel really opened my eyes. I was amazed how fascinating these creatures were. I wouldn’t mind being an elephant. In fact, I now believe that elephants are superior to humans.
Aside from being bigger, stronger, and faster than us, elephants also have great memories. The saying “an elephant never forgets” actually isn’t that far from the truth. If we had memories like that, there wouldn’t be any embarrassing situations like turning the house upside-down in search of lost keys, or forgetting birthdays and anniversaries, or calling out the wrong name in bed. On the other hand, we probably would suffer from a chronic case of “last song syndrome”, made worse by the fact that Paris Hilton has an album out. Still, if having “Stars Are Blind” play in an endless loop inside your head is the price for being able to recite Samuel L. Jackson’s Ezekiel 25:17 monologue without pause or falter, then so be it.
Elephants are led by matriarchs, or the dominant females. Finally, a society that doesn’t discriminate against female leaders. As a bonus, the matriarchs are effective leaders as well. Compare that with our society. The course of history of the male-led human race has basically been one war after another. I read somewhere that there has only been a total of around 200 years of peace in the whole of human history. In the rare instances when women do get into high positions of power, there have only been a few effective leaders among them. In recent history, for example, the performances of former President Sukarnoputri of Indonesia and President Arroyo of the Philippines have been mediocre. Elephant matriarchs, on the other hand, lead their herd in a yearly trek through the vast plains of Africa to feeding grounds, all the while protecting the herd’s members from predators. Beat that.
Elephants have a relatively inefficient digestive system and, thus, they need bacteria to help them digest food. However, they aren’t born with germs in their guts. The only way to get them is to… hmmm, how do I say this diplomatically? Well, they put what came out of one end into another end. Yes, they literally eat shit. The calves ingest the manure of the older elephants who already have the good bacteria in their digestive system.
We are like them in that respect. Remember all the times we’ve had shit shoved down our throats by our elders? “Yes, Santa Claus exists.” “No, Bambi’s mother just went out to buy groceries.” “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” The only difference is, with elephants, it’s actually good for them.
Scientists have figured how elephants communicate – by infrasound. Their voices are so low-pitched, it is beyond the capability of human ears. I’d love to have a low-pitched voice. Ladies find guys with deep, masculine voices sexy. Compare: on one side, James Earl Jones and Dennis Haysbert (David Palmer from 24); on the other side, that whiny bitch and lead singer of the faux-punk band Simple Plan. Conversely, I find girls with (relatively) husky voices sexy, as well. Check out Julia Stiles and Laura Prepon (Donna from That 70’s Show).
However, the best thing about being an elephant (and I’m sure both the fellas and the ladies would agree) is:
Holy crap! Look at the size of that... trunk!
*Images used are for for review and commentary purposes only. All images are from Ultimate Guide: Elephants and Mastodons (Discovery Channel).
Aside from being bigger, stronger, and faster than us, elephants also have great memories. The saying “an elephant never forgets” actually isn’t that far from the truth. If we had memories like that, there wouldn’t be any embarrassing situations like turning the house upside-down in search of lost keys, or forgetting birthdays and anniversaries, or calling out the wrong name in bed. On the other hand, we probably would suffer from a chronic case of “last song syndrome”, made worse by the fact that Paris Hilton has an album out. Still, if having “Stars Are Blind” play in an endless loop inside your head is the price for being able to recite Samuel L. Jackson’s Ezekiel 25:17 monologue without pause or falter, then so be it.
Elephants are led by matriarchs, or the dominant females. Finally, a society that doesn’t discriminate against female leaders. As a bonus, the matriarchs are effective leaders as well. Compare that with our society. The course of history of the male-led human race has basically been one war after another. I read somewhere that there has only been a total of around 200 years of peace in the whole of human history. In the rare instances when women do get into high positions of power, there have only been a few effective leaders among them. In recent history, for example, the performances of former President Sukarnoputri of Indonesia and President Arroyo of the Philippines have been mediocre. Elephant matriarchs, on the other hand, lead their herd in a yearly trek through the vast plains of Africa to feeding grounds, all the while protecting the herd’s members from predators. Beat that.
Elephants have a relatively inefficient digestive system and, thus, they need bacteria to help them digest food. However, they aren’t born with germs in their guts. The only way to get them is to… hmmm, how do I say this diplomatically? Well, they put what came out of one end into another end. Yes, they literally eat shit. The calves ingest the manure of the older elephants who already have the good bacteria in their digestive system.
Mmmm! Manure-y!
We are like them in that respect. Remember all the times we’ve had shit shoved down our throats by our elders? “Yes, Santa Claus exists.” “No, Bambi’s mother just went out to buy groceries.” “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” The only difference is, with elephants, it’s actually good for them.
Scientists have figured how elephants communicate – by infrasound. Their voices are so low-pitched, it is beyond the capability of human ears. I’d love to have a low-pitched voice. Ladies find guys with deep, masculine voices sexy. Compare: on one side, James Earl Jones and Dennis Haysbert (David Palmer from 24); on the other side, that whiny bitch and lead singer of the faux-punk band Simple Plan. Conversely, I find girls with (relatively) husky voices sexy, as well. Check out Julia Stiles and Laura Prepon (Donna from That 70’s Show).
However, the best thing about being an elephant (and I’m sure both the fellas and the ladies would agree) is:
Holy crap! Look at the size of that... trunk!
*Images used are for for review and commentary purposes only. All images are from Ultimate Guide: Elephants and Mastodons (Discovery Channel).
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