Dr. House, Meet Dr. Cox (Part 1)
November 23rd 2006 01:41
Have you ever tried imagining a cross-over between your two favorite TV shows? I know it’s stupid to ask a television viewer to use whatever’s left of his imagination, but humor me on this one.
The 4th season of Scrubs was released on DVD a couple of months ago and that triggered my own fantasy sequence on what would happen if the two crankiest doctors on the tube – Dr. Cox from Scrubs and Dr. House from, uh, House – ever met face-to-face.
“In this corner, wearing a permanent scowl, using the metric system (but speaking with an American accent) and weighing in at 70 kilograms, from the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, he put the “cane” in “Cain and Abel”! He’s the Pimp Daddy with the Limp… Daddy! Heeeeere’s Dr. Gregory Hooouuuse! In the other corner, weighing in at 180 pounds of pure muscle and ego, from Sacred Heart Hospital, he’s the top dog with the mop top. The Great Syllable Elongator… Dr. Perrrrry Cox! Let’s get ready to rumble!” *ding!*
The gang from Scrubs ends up in New Jersey after Janitor dares them to find a place filthier than the toilet he just “cleaned”. They decide to hit Atlantic City and soon get into trouble after JD loses their money and all of his clothes in a game of “high-stakes Go Fish” with the local Mob boss. They go to Princeton-Plainsboro because a certain Dr. Wilson owes a big favor to Dr. Kelso after “an incident in a medical conference in Vegas although, in his defense, tequila and hookers are not a good combination.” Wilson manages to get plane tickets for all of them, but as they are about to leave, a patient is wheeled into the ER. JD overhears one of the paramedics say, “No one knows what’s wrong with her!” With a twinkle in his eye, he turns an imaginary spotlight on Dr. Cox and grandly says, “This looks like a job for… Captain Diagnosis!” Cox turns to him and says, “Three things, newbie. Number one: you’re an idiot. Number two: you’re still an idiot. Number three: that’s DOCTOR Diagnosis for you. Out of the way, mortals. I am on the job!” Just then, a wooden stick blocks his path. “And where are you going? That’s my patient. That means I treat her, I make her better, and YOU leave this hospital while you still have your dignity,” says Dr. House. “Ohoho, big words from a small, yet masculinely bearded, mouth. This looks like a diagnostic showdown, Tripod,” says Cox. “Yes, it does,” replies House.
ROUND 1: House beats Cox senseless with his cane. WINNER: House.
ROUND 2: From his hospital bed, Cox is being briefed by the Sacred Heart team. “Jane Doe brought in with convulsions, muscular twitching and hallucinations. She is currently in a coma,” JD reports. “Abnormal growth with bright colors observed in the facial area,“ reports Elliot. “I want to hang out with that other black doctor,” says Turk. “Hmm, sounds neurological,” says Cox. “Angela, get a CSF sample. Barbie, do a CT scan. Gandhi, throw yourself in front of a moving train, and do it twice… no, three times, just to make sure stupidity is eliminated from the human race.” “Yessir,” replies the trio in unison, then they rush off to do their respective jobs.
In another room, House’s team is arguing. “Definitely neurological,” says Dr. Foreman. “Not necessarily. An auto-immune response can trigger similar symptoms,” says Dr. Cameron. House looks around looking puzzled and asks, “Where the hell’s Chase? I need a third argumentative voice saying it’s someone else besides your two ideas.” “He took time off from work. He’s back home in Australia,” replies Cameron. “Great,” says House. “Maybe when he comes back, he can teach me how to throw a boomerang so I can hit that egomaniac Cox from a distance. Speaking of which, I think it’s time for his hourly whack on the head. Any volunteers? No? Fine, I’ll do it later. You know, you really should be helping out the handicapped.” WINNER: Cox.
ROUND 3: The Scrubs team comes back with their findings. “CSF shows no viral or bacterial infections,” says JD. Elliot says, “CT scan is inconclusive. Also, she may be developing a fever but it’s still too early to check.” The Todd appears from nowhere, points to his crotch, and says, “Maybe you should try using my thermometer. I named it Mercury. Because it’s always rising! Penis joke five!” Everyone just ignores him. Turk says, “Dr. Cox, I stepped in front of a train like you asked me to, but the airstream caught me by my newly waxed head and threw me all the way to Philadelphia then back here. Now I’m craving for a cheese steak.” Cox scowls at them and says, “OK, Three Stooges, listen up. We are damn going to find out what is wrong with that woman. Check that growth on her face. Monitor her fever. And forgodsakes, Gandhi, if you ever manage to keep your monstrous hunger in check… well, much as it pains me to say this, you might actually be of marginal use to these two ladies. Now, if you don’t mind – not that I really care about your opinions, you understand – I will now be going to sleep to shut out this throbbing in my head AND to erase the images of your mugs from my brain. Good night.”
Elsewhere, House finds a hotel keycard in Jane Doe’s belongings. He sends Foreman and Cameron to her hotel room to investigate. They arrive and start to illegally go through her stuff. “Clothes still in suitcases. She was obviously a traveler. I can’t find any ID, though,” says Cameron. “Well, we better find something or House will be riding our asses,” replies Foreman. “I wish,” mutters Cameron under her breath.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“OK, let’s just grab this photo album and go,” says Foreman. WINNER: House (for getting a clue even if it isn’t even vaguely medical in nature)
What will happen next? Will Dr. House regain the full use of his legs? Will Dr. Cox be able to reciprocate JD’s hero worship? Will The Todd miraculously become a sensitive gentleman? Find out in the next installment. The answers, of course, are “no”. There’s still gonna be a second part, though.
*Image is used for review and commentary purposes only. Hugh Laurie image from Wikipedia.
“In this corner, wearing a permanent scowl, using the metric system (but speaking with an American accent) and weighing in at 70 kilograms, from the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, he put the “cane” in “Cain and Abel”! He’s the Pimp Daddy with the Limp… Daddy! Heeeeere’s Dr. Gregory Hooouuuse! In the other corner, weighing in at 180 pounds of pure muscle and ego, from Sacred Heart Hospital, he’s the top dog with the mop top. The Great Syllable Elongator… Dr. Perrrrry Cox! Let’s get ready to rumble!” *ding!*
The gang from Scrubs ends up in New Jersey after Janitor dares them to find a place filthier than the toilet he just “cleaned”. They decide to hit Atlantic City and soon get into trouble after JD loses their money and all of his clothes in a game of “high-stakes Go Fish” with the local Mob boss. They go to Princeton-Plainsboro because a certain Dr. Wilson owes a big favor to Dr. Kelso after “an incident in a medical conference in Vegas although, in his defense, tequila and hookers are not a good combination.” Wilson manages to get plane tickets for all of them, but as they are about to leave, a patient is wheeled into the ER. JD overhears one of the paramedics say, “No one knows what’s wrong with her!” With a twinkle in his eye, he turns an imaginary spotlight on Dr. Cox and grandly says, “This looks like a job for… Captain Diagnosis!” Cox turns to him and says, “Three things, newbie. Number one: you’re an idiot. Number two: you’re still an idiot. Number three: that’s DOCTOR Diagnosis for you. Out of the way, mortals. I am on the job!” Just then, a wooden stick blocks his path. “And where are you going? That’s my patient. That means I treat her, I make her better, and YOU leave this hospital while you still have your dignity,” says Dr. House. “Ohoho, big words from a small, yet masculinely bearded, mouth. This looks like a diagnostic showdown, Tripod,” says Cox. “Yes, it does,” replies House.
ROUND 1: House beats Cox senseless with his cane. WINNER: House.
ROUND 2: From his hospital bed, Cox is being briefed by the Sacred Heart team. “Jane Doe brought in with convulsions, muscular twitching and hallucinations. She is currently in a coma,” JD reports. “Abnormal growth with bright colors observed in the facial area,“ reports Elliot. “I want to hang out with that other black doctor,” says Turk. “Hmm, sounds neurological,” says Cox. “Angela, get a CSF sample. Barbie, do a CT scan. Gandhi, throw yourself in front of a moving train, and do it twice… no, three times, just to make sure stupidity is eliminated from the human race.” “Yessir,” replies the trio in unison, then they rush off to do their respective jobs.
In another room, House’s team is arguing. “Definitely neurological,” says Dr. Foreman. “Not necessarily. An auto-immune response can trigger similar symptoms,” says Dr. Cameron. House looks around looking puzzled and asks, “Where the hell’s Chase? I need a third argumentative voice saying it’s someone else besides your two ideas.” “He took time off from work. He’s back home in Australia,” replies Cameron. “Great,” says House. “Maybe when he comes back, he can teach me how to throw a boomerang so I can hit that egomaniac Cox from a distance. Speaking of which, I think it’s time for his hourly whack on the head. Any volunteers? No? Fine, I’ll do it later. You know, you really should be helping out the handicapped.” WINNER: Cox.
ROUND 3: The Scrubs team comes back with their findings. “CSF shows no viral or bacterial infections,” says JD. Elliot says, “CT scan is inconclusive. Also, she may be developing a fever but it’s still too early to check.” The Todd appears from nowhere, points to his crotch, and says, “Maybe you should try using my thermometer. I named it Mercury. Because it’s always rising! Penis joke five!” Everyone just ignores him. Turk says, “Dr. Cox, I stepped in front of a train like you asked me to, but the airstream caught me by my newly waxed head and threw me all the way to Philadelphia then back here. Now I’m craving for a cheese steak.” Cox scowls at them and says, “OK, Three Stooges, listen up. We are damn going to find out what is wrong with that woman. Check that growth on her face. Monitor her fever. And forgodsakes, Gandhi, if you ever manage to keep your monstrous hunger in check… well, much as it pains me to say this, you might actually be of marginal use to these two ladies. Now, if you don’t mind – not that I really care about your opinions, you understand – I will now be going to sleep to shut out this throbbing in my head AND to erase the images of your mugs from my brain. Good night.”
Elsewhere, House finds a hotel keycard in Jane Doe’s belongings. He sends Foreman and Cameron to her hotel room to investigate. They arrive and start to illegally go through her stuff. “Clothes still in suitcases. She was obviously a traveler. I can’t find any ID, though,” says Cameron. “Well, we better find something or House will be riding our asses,” replies Foreman. “I wish,” mutters Cameron under her breath.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“OK, let’s just grab this photo album and go,” says Foreman. WINNER: House (for getting a clue even if it isn’t even vaguely medical in nature)
What will happen next? Will Dr. House regain the full use of his legs? Will Dr. Cox be able to reciprocate JD’s hero worship? Will The Todd miraculously become a sensitive gentleman? Find out in the next installment. The answers, of course, are “no”. There’s still gonna be a second part, though.
*Image is used for review and commentary purposes only. Hugh Laurie image from Wikipedia.
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