So You Think Your Parents Suck?
October 10th 2006 05:32
“BILOXI, Miss. — Leann Real promised her husband, an avid sports fan, that if they ever had a son he'd get to pick the name. ESPN Montana Real was born this week at Biloxi Regional Medical Center. Rusty Real, of D'Iberville, chose ESPN (pronounced Espen) after the sports network and Montana after football legend Joe Montana. Baby ESPN isn't alone. Three others were cited in a 2005 report on tivocommunity.com about the network's 25th anniversary. They are Espn Malachi McCall in Pampa, Texas; Espn Curiel in Corpus Christi, Texas; and Espn Blondeel in Michigan. "We were the talk of the hospital," Rusty Real said. "The nurses kept asking my wife if she was really going to let her husband name him ESPN. She said, 'Oh, yes.'" (FOXNews.com, 07 October 2006)
There’s actually two pronunciations for the baby’s name: “Espen” and “Good-God-You’ll-Be-Scarred-For-Life.” Honestly, what kind of a parent names his child after a television channel? Not only that, no matter how you say the name, it’s still going to sound stupid. I think that Daddy Redneck has some residual childhood trauma issues that he needed to pass on to Junior. He wasn’t too keen on his own name so he decided to share the pain. I can just imagine the roll call in class. “Parker, Peter. Rabbit, Roger. Real, Rusty. Hahaha! Hey, everybody. Let’s laugh at him. Not only is he not the sharpest tool in the shed, he’s also real rusty.” The other kids named Espn aren’t any better off. The kid from Pampa is cursed with a stupid first name and a Biblical second name. Yup, that should make him really popular with the other kids at school. Especially Bruce, the toilet-dunking, nerd-hating homophobic man-child. The parents of Espn from Michigan must probably loathe him. When you’ve got a last name of “Blondeel”, you should have a normal first name like Joe or Sam or Frank. The last thing you need is sentient blobs from the Alpha Centauri star system kidnapping you because you have the same name as their dead king who is foretold in legends to be reborn in another body and in another world. However, if you really really REALLY need to name your child after a TV station, here are some other suggestions to make his or her life a living hell.
ANIMAL PLANET – This gives your child the license to do gross, disgusting things like
eating ant-covered boogers, stuffing chalk up his rectum to produce white dusty flatulence, and walking on all fours and humping the teacher’s leg. That way, if he gets asked “What are you, an animal?’, he can reply “Yes. Yes, I am.”
VH1 – After that, you can name your subsequent offspring VH2, VH3, etc. and tell them that they are clones whose sole purpose is to reinforce a growing clone army bent on world domination. Can you say “mindfuck”?
NICKELODEON – At least this way, he’ll still have a normal nickname, which is, uh, “Nick”. However, it is essential to teach him that the proper way to say his name is to sing the Nickelodeon jingle.
E! – That way, every time someone screams,
she’ll think they’re calling her. You can also say that she got her name from the drug that was coursing through your system when she was conceived by you and some-random-chick-at-the-rave-party a.k.a. Mom.
CNN – Pronounced as “Ken”, and is just a variation in the spelling. You really could have named him Ken, except you’re too much of a bogan to realize that you couldn’t actually spell. He can also use his name to his advantage when picking up girls. “Hi, ladies. I’m called CNN because I can bring you news any time of the day. And by ‘news’, I mean ‘my penis’.”
PLAYBOY CHANNEL – It’s a great way to mess with the babysitter’s head.
Before you leave the house, tell the babysitter to watch Playboy Channel for you. She’ll either watch your kid like a hawk or settle in for a long night of soft-porn. When you get home and see that your kid is using the goldfish as a tennis ball, your sitter probably forgot to do her job and is still sitting in front of the TV wondering why the hell you don’t just buy a VCR. Tear her a new one by saying something like “I paid you to take care of my child, not turn my home into a house of sin!” Then don’t pay her. However, if she did her job properly, ask her what happened in “Hot, Horny, and Really Desperate Housewives.” Chew her head off by saying “Young lady, I specifically requested you to do something and you ignored it. For shame.” Then don’t pay her.
With literally hundreds of channels to choose from, why stick to plain old “Jane” and “Bob”? Forget Suri, Zahara, and Bluebell Madonna. The next generation belongs to Cinemax, Fashion TV, and HBO (pronounced as “hobo”, which he will be after running away from home at the age of 5 because he realized that his parents are idiots).
*Images are used for review and commentary purposes only. All images from Wikipedia.
There’s actually two pronunciations for the baby’s name: “Espen” and “Good-God-You’ll-Be-Scarred-For-Life.” Honestly, what kind of a parent names his child after a television channel? Not only that, no matter how you say the name, it’s still going to sound stupid. I think that Daddy Redneck has some residual childhood trauma issues that he needed to pass on to Junior. He wasn’t too keen on his own name so he decided to share the pain. I can just imagine the roll call in class. “Parker, Peter. Rabbit, Roger. Real, Rusty. Hahaha! Hey, everybody. Let’s laugh at him. Not only is he not the sharpest tool in the shed, he’s also real rusty.” The other kids named Espn aren’t any better off. The kid from Pampa is cursed with a stupid first name and a Biblical second name. Yup, that should make him really popular with the other kids at school. Especially Bruce, the toilet-dunking, nerd-hating homophobic man-child. The parents of Espn from Michigan must probably loathe him. When you’ve got a last name of “Blondeel”, you should have a normal first name like Joe or Sam or Frank. The last thing you need is sentient blobs from the Alpha Centauri star system kidnapping you because you have the same name as their dead king who is foretold in legends to be reborn in another body and in another world. However, if you really really REALLY need to name your child after a TV station, here are some other suggestions to make his or her life a living hell.
ANIMAL PLANET – This gives your child the license to do gross, disgusting things like
VH1 – After that, you can name your subsequent offspring VH2, VH3, etc. and tell them that they are clones whose sole purpose is to reinforce a growing clone army bent on world domination. Can you say “mindfuck”?
NICKELODEON – At least this way, he’ll still have a normal nickname, which is, uh, “Nick”. However, it is essential to teach him that the proper way to say his name is to sing the Nickelodeon jingle.
E! – That way, every time someone screams,
CNN – Pronounced as “Ken”, and is just a variation in the spelling. You really could have named him Ken, except you’re too much of a bogan to realize that you couldn’t actually spell. He can also use his name to his advantage when picking up girls. “Hi, ladies. I’m called CNN because I can bring you news any time of the day. And by ‘news’, I mean ‘my penis’.”
PLAYBOY CHANNEL – It’s a great way to mess with the babysitter’s head.
With literally hundreds of channels to choose from, why stick to plain old “Jane” and “Bob”? Forget Suri, Zahara, and Bluebell Madonna. The next generation belongs to Cinemax, Fashion TV, and HBO (pronounced as “hobo”, which he will be after running away from home at the age of 5 because he realized that his parents are idiots).
*Images are used for review and commentary purposes only. All images from Wikipedia.
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Comment by Homer Joyce
I'll be reading it more often.
I always liked the joke about how Dick Van Dyke didn't like his name so he changed it by deed poll to Richard Truck Lesbian.
Homer ...
Comment by Ragin Cajun
Observer's Post
Death By Myopia
Hah! That's the first time I've heard that joke, but I've always thought his name was funny. Back then, I knew what a dick was, but I didn't know what "dyke" meant. I always thought it was a colloquial term for vagina because of the story about the boy who saved his village from flooding by putting his finger in the hole of the dike. I don't know what I was thinking back then.
Comment by Homer Joyce
Sorry, didn't realise this was your post or I would have addressed you by name ... (Dementia is setting in and trying to take over Altzheimers) ...
Richard Truck Vagina ...
Oh dear ... where are we going to go with this?
Comment by Ragin Cajun
Observer's Post
Death By Myopia
Good question. Where ARE we going with this? Anyhoo, that reminds me of another joke when Peter Griffin (Family Guy) was on the Late Show with David Letterman. He said "If George Bush had Dick Cheney's first name, his name would be Dick Bush and I'll tell you I'd listen to a lot more of his speeches." So to answer your question: I honestly have no idea. I guess making fun of people with funny names.
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
Health Focus
Poetry Lighthouse
MS Paint Art
Comment by Cibbuano
20/20 Filmsight
Science News
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
Comment by Ragin Cajun
Observer's Post
Death By Myopia
Hey, Cib. True, the Internet has heralded the eventual demise of television porn, but there's still something special about watching Hef's work on the idiot box. Call me a sentimentalist (or a pervert, whatever), but viewing soft porn on TV sounds classier somewhat. *lol*
Comment by MelissaA
Fun Facts
Actually, by the sounds of it I'm surprised she was able to pry him off the couch long enough to even conceive a baby - oh wait - he probably watched ESPN all the way through the act! I guess now it gives her something to concentrate on.
Seriously though, I'm going to have to tell a cousin of mine about this - she thought she'd lucked out with her husband (they had the same deal with naming rights) when he called their son Joshua - a seemingly innocent name, but it was well over used by the time he was born and she didn't particularly like it.
This ought to perk her up about the matter - at least she didn't marry a dickwad!
Comment by Ragin Cajun
Observer's Post
Death By Myopia
What's wrong with "Joshua"? What did she mean when she said the name was overused? Yeah, she should probably count her blessings. At least her kid didn't end up having a weird name like "Joshua Tree".
Comment by MelissaA
Fun Facts
LOL - Joshua Tree - I'll have to remember that one. At the time it had more to do with 2 out of every 3 boys being born around then being called Joshua, and I must admit, I know so many around the same age that I just can't keep up.
Rather than trying to remember every other boys name that I know, I guess I should just make it easier for myself and call all of them Joshua. ; )
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
Health Focus
Poetry Lighthouse
MS Paint Art
I'm afraid I couldn't work out what this blog was all about. Noticing its theme I put my glasses on but still
couldn't make out what is was all about, Alfie ( a good boy's name don't you think?).
I think there was some mention of the environment so I decided to recycle some old
balloons, I'd previously given to Homer, I know he'll understand.
The whole thing seemed to be written in a foreign language interspersed with obscenities.
Homer will explain to you that I'm a total wowser! I guess it's no wonder you didn't come to the party.
But everyone there was not a wowser, oh no, indeed not! Sorry you missed it.
Why don't you have a go at some computer Art and conversation in the family, not just those short,
pithy expletives you persist in.
Computer Art doesn't pollute the environment, it just disappears into cyberspace, which, will, I think,
eventually need cleaning up, itself, but just one step at a time.
katyzzz
Comment by Ragin Cajun
Observer's Post
Death By Myopia
Ah, yes, The Land of Joshuas. Yeah, that should make things a little less complicated. If you decide to have a kid, though, may I suggest naming him "Buddy" or "Mate". That way, other people won't have to go through the trouble of remembering his name.
Hi katyzzz. First of all, thank you for the balloons. Regarding computer art, I'm afraid I'm a pretty hopeless case. I don't have a trace of any artistic ability at all. However, I do use MS Paint to do "cross stitching". I don't know if sane people also do it, but what I do is get a cross-stitch pattern, make a grid in Paint, and just fill in the spaces. Not sure if that qualifies as "art".
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
Comment by Ragin Cajun
Observer's Post
Death By Myopia